Pacific Roulette

You soon learn that in the Pacific EVERYTHING is a gamble.  This can be small things, like assuming that the gelatinous substance in your lunch was once part of a chicken, or the bigger thrills like the daily dice with death on the roads.

Here is a list of some of the ways we take chances every day here in the F1J1:

Ordering food

You are getting what you’re given. Sometimes it is actually what you ordered, and made with the ingredients listed on the menu. Other times, you get something completely different to what you ordered, and other times part of your order has been ‘improvised’ because the kitchen ran out of ingredients. You will not be told this when you order, even if you ask specifically.

Getting to work

For some inexplicable reason, there are no pedestrian crossings along most of the length of Suva’s busiest road, the road I have to cross every day to get to work. 

I don’t know why this is, I can only assume it is a calculated attempt on the lives of people working  in the justice system,  the UN or anyone else just in the area.  Suva wants you dead. 

Going out

“Moderation” and “alcohol” are not 2 words that go together in Fiji.   The local version of buying a round of drinks is particularly deadly. Taki is where you buy a jug of booze (usually an unholy mix of bourbon and cola and fruity vodka premixes), acquire a glass, pour a small amount into the glass and hand it to your first victim. Once they have finished, repeat amongst the group until the jug is finished, and the next person buys their jug.  It is nearly impossible to know how much you’ve had, or moderate how much and how often you drink.  Side effects include regret, violent sickness and complete inability to function the next day.   

and it tastes like this

The taxi home

If you survive the terrors of the nightlife, there are still taxis to contend with.  The main hazards are the lack of seat belts, and the definite possibility that the driver is just as drunk as you are (if not worse). A more subtle threat is the pervasive fish smell that many cabs have, particularly when you are already nauseous.  And finally the most terrifying thing of all: attempted seductions with 70’s soft rock by middle aged taxi drivers. 

Yes, that is apparently seductive.

Walking

This one MAY just be me. Absolutely EVERYWHERE is full of potholes, and cracked footpaths are the only kind there is. As a naturally clumsy person, with all the fleet footedness of an inebriated sloth, I particularly struggle with this. I am constantly wrenching my ankles and stumbling over cracks.



but I do it with style!

Last month I managed to find a pothole while getting into a taxi, simultaneously twisting my ankle and hitting my forehead on the door while falling face first into the back seat. 

I am just proud that I have avoided the complete faceplant.  So far.

The interwebs

Sometimes it kind of works, often it doesn’t. Either way, you are paying way too much for it.

Shopping

The things you buy often break the first time you use them.  It’s a lottery. Fortunately, my flatmate brought a lot of masking tape with her so we are able to make structural repairs to the objects that break. 

 

Good thinking 99!

Coconuts...probably

My mother always warned me about how easy it is to fatally doinked on the head with a coconut.  Fortunately the good people of the Suva City Council have an ingenious solution to prevent this particular brand of death from above: strategically placed baskets. 





Not as cool as trained monkeys, but less likely to fling poop